After reuniting with a dear old friend, Amy, I am so far from being alone in my quest to be a mother! I thought if I didn't talk about it...or if I did talk about it too much....it would make it all better. I was wrong. The eagerness and huge desire to be a mother has not gone away for me. I try so hard to leave it in God's hands...to just forget about it and live on...but it just doesn't work like that.
I've prayed many of a prayer for God to take this huge desire from my heart...and what does He do...He puts more energy into the fire. After hearing about pregnancy after pregnancy...shower after shower...birth after birth...and still nothing on my end....I get tired of the tears...tired of the disappointments from myself...my husband...and others.
See in my scenario after 4 years of off and on again trying....wiht no success, except fo a 8 or 9 week pregnancy...ending in miscarriage...I tried to make it my fault. I tried to make everyone else feel okay about it...even knowing that they blamed me for no baby.
After still not conceiving for over a year and a half...with one major fertility treatment...We found out that it's my husband. I don't want him to ever feel the pain I've felt when I thought it was me. I never knew how hard it would be to know that I'm not the problem...though I wish it was...because it would be easier to handle.
I know that someday, I'm going to look back at these years of struggle and laugh. BUT I'm not laughing...I'm hurting. I feel for the woman that sets up her nursery before conception or during pregnancy...to find out that the road they thought would happen right now...doesn't. I'm glad I didn't go that farin purchasing things, but I did purchase the emotional side of it all. The longing to hold my little boy or little girl...knowing that it's the greatest thing to ever experience.....but knowing that the emotional bank would be drained.
I can leave these words of wisdom with anyone out there that feels like it's never going to happen to them with this...God prepares us for our mountains....sometimes we have the equipment in the shed that we forgot and other times he hasn't given the equipment to us yet...but know that He is bigger than we will ever be. He can even move the mountains if it be in His plans. Easier said than to actually listen, but I have to remember this....or I'll go crazier than I already have let myself get! :)
Who am I to think it's never going to happen? Life will be how God has it planned for each of us. I just pray that I'm actually participating and not sitting on the sidelines. I'm tired of all the pity parties...just as I am sure everyone else is...but God gives us tears to relief the soul. Don't ever let yourself miss the opportunity to be comforted by Him.
May God be with all of us...no matter the struggles we are facing...especially with no results that we like, because we all face something that is causing us discomfort, pain or tears. Jump into His arms and know that we are each His child....He wants to make it all better!
Thanks Amy for your shared hurts and wisdom. You have made my road a lot easier without knowing you were going to! GOD is so GOOD!
