Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Far from alone...

After reuniting with a dear old friend, Amy, I am so far from being alone in my quest to be a mother! I thought if I didn't talk about it...or if I did talk about it too much....it would make it all better. I was wrong. The eagerness and huge desire to be a mother has not gone away for me. I try so hard to leave it in God's hands...to just forget about it and live on...but it just doesn't work like that.

I've prayed many of a prayer for God to take this huge desire from my heart...and what does He do...He puts more energy into the fire. After hearing about pregnancy after pregnancy...shower after shower...birth after birth...and still nothing on my end....I get tired of the tears...tired of the disappointments from myself...my husband...and others.

See in my scenario after 4 years of off and on again trying....wiht no success, except fo a 8 or 9 week pregnancy...ending in miscarriage...I tried to make it my fault. I tried to make everyone else feel okay about it...even knowing that they blamed me for no baby.

After still not conceiving for over a year and a half...with one major fertility treatment...We found out that it's my husband. I don't want him to ever feel the pain I've felt when I thought it was me. I never knew how hard it would be to know that I'm not the problem...though I wish it was...because it would be easier to handle.

I know that someday, I'm going to look back at these years of struggle and laugh. BUT I'm not laughing...I'm hurting. I feel for the woman that sets up her nursery before conception or during pregnancy...to find out that the road they thought would happen right now...doesn't. I'm glad I didn't go that farin purchasing things, but I did purchase the emotional side of it all. The longing to hold my little boy or little girl...knowing that it's the greatest thing to ever experience.....but knowing that the emotional bank would be drained.

I can leave these words of wisdom with anyone out there that feels like it's never going to happen to them with this...God prepares us for our mountains....sometimes we have the equipment in the shed that we forgot and other times he hasn't given the equipment to us yet...but know that He is bigger than we will ever be. He can even move the mountains if it be in His plans. Easier said than to actually listen, but I have to remember this....or I'll go crazier than I already have let myself get! :)

Who am I to think it's never going to happen? Life will be how God has it planned for each of us. I just pray that I'm actually participating and not sitting on the sidelines. I'm tired of all the pity parties...just as I am sure everyone else is...but God gives us tears to relief the soul. Don't ever let yourself miss the opportunity to be comforted by Him.

May God be with all of us...no matter the struggles we are facing...especially with no results that we like, because we all face something that is causing us discomfort, pain or tears. Jump into His arms and know that we are each His child....He wants to make it all better!

Thanks Amy for your shared hurts and wisdom. You have made my road a lot easier without knowing you were going to! GOD is so GOOD!

3 comments:

amy hartling said...

Wow! I am sorry you are struggling on the road of infertility issues as well. I quit running at the end of September because I found out I was pregnant. I was considered "at risk" because my progesterone was so low. So I quit the gym too... because I didn't want to pay for something I wasn't going to use for a while. Guess I should have just kept going. I had surgery Nov. 28, but I had started bleeding on Thanksgiving day (6 days before)... But upon my return to school, I found out two women in my building were due around the same time - one the same day. It was def. hard to watch their bellies grow and mine to shrink. I thought all this pain would eventually go away, but I am beginning to think it is just another layer or wrinkle that makes me~ me!

Ornery's Wife said...

"God prepares us for our mountains....sometimes we have the equipment in the shed that we forgot and other times he hasn't given the equipment to us yet...but know that He is bigger than we will ever be."

Chrissy; please don't buy into the lie that many in the church have done, and that is that God has not already provided you with the equipment. For His infallible word says that we "have (already) been given everything we need for life and godliness." There is nothing else for God to do, which means that it is our responsibility to grasp, receive and take hold of His gifts.

We must receive them, but if there is any room for doubt in our hearts, we will never see the fruit of our wavering faith. For a "double minded man should not expect anything from God."

I am learning that in order to have the blessings and promises God has given me, I must not waver in my belief that they are already mine. God's ways are NOT our ways, and we cannot see things on His plane unless we allow the Holy Spirit to reveal them to us. If we have already determined in our hearts that we cannot acquire the thing we want, then we never will. That is double minded. We think we want it, but we don't think we have it or we question whether or not God will give it.

God's will is plain to see in the scriptures, and it is His will to give you the desires of your heart, for you to prosper and be in health even as your soul prospers. It is not his desire to keep you from that which you were designed for.

Since we know it IS His will, and we are qualified to receive all the blessings ever given to anyone in the Bible because we are in Jesus, we need to thank Him for His provision, and believe it is coming to pass in this realm: for it has already happened in the spiritual realm.

As you and Michael pray in agreement for this thing to pass, pray believing, not what the doctor's have said, but what God's word says. Stand on His promises and thank Him daily that He cannot lie. I believe if you do that, you will begin to experience God's promises more fully and the desires of your heart WILL come to pass.

I am praying that not only will you conceive and bear children, but that you will grow in the understanding of His provision in ALL areas of your life.
Blessings to you!
TM

Candice said...

I had no idea that you were go through this... of course I've only seen you once in the past 6months, and you run too fast for me to keep up and chat anyway!

I am truly sorry that you're having such a difficult time with this. You and Michael will be in my prayers.

Hope to see you out running with the group again soon!